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Jan. 17th, 2011

goodbye..

After more than a couple of years, I have decided to leave live journal. Reasons? Hmmm.. I just want to use the site that most Filipinos use for blogging. Change is inevitable and I want change. I still probably visit once in awhile. After all, thoughts that are written here are still important to me. So that’s it. Goodbye Livejournal. It’s been a pleasure writing here…by the way the new clicks and cuts will be here

Jan. 2nd, 2011

Writer's Block: Lazing on a Sunday afternoon

What's your favorite thing to do on a lazy Sunday?

i love to watch movies on my computer or read an awesome book on a lazy Sunday. I also love to spend time with my family..

back to work

Whew.. i am going back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks of vacation. I will surely neglect live journal again. Oh well we all have to start our year right. Hope all of us will have a great 2011.. :)

Jan. 1st, 2011

Last day of 2010 and first day of 2011

Happy New Year!!! The last day of 2010 was spent cleaning my room. I cleaned every corner, every drawer and throw things that were no longer valuable to me. I collected 3 sacks of junks..whew.. While cleaning I came across stuff that should be thrown years ago, I also saw a letter from an old friend and poem which I wrote in Filipino but I didn’t remember I wrote them. I guess those were the reasons it took me almost a day to finish cleaning because whenever I came across something I stopped and examined it whether it’s a letter, scratch papers, pictures and the like. Later that day, I prepared food for New Year’s Dinner. I love steak so for the first time I tried to prepare it myself and I like what I did. I am also craving for a nice sandwich so my brother and I decided to make club house sandwich. Mom cooked pancit and rice cake. My sister prepared fruit salad, pork steak (for those who doesn’t eat beef) and shrimp tempura. That’s basically what we ate as 2011 unfolds.


Today, as every January first of my life, was spent with my family on mother’s side, the Lopez clan. It’s our annual get together. It’s really fun. It’s not like we don’t get to see each other often but it’s different when all of us were on the same event. We have games for young adults and kids. We spent the remaining hours social drinking, singing using videoke and playing pinoy henyo. It’s really great. Too bad Jed cannot join us. I hope I’ll be able to get more happy days like this.  

Dec. 30th, 2010

Happy New Year

Goodbye 2010 and hello 2011. There are a lot of reasons to look forward for brighter 2011 and so many memories from 2010 that are best to leave behind. 2010 is okay but it could be better although there are still so much to be thankful for.

This year Jed left for Dubai to work. It was the hardest experience so far. Until now I’m still having difficulty adjusting. Although things are much better now than it was when he left.  I already accepted the decision he made and I am certain now that we can work this out. But still, missing him like crazy is not a good experience. Also this year (2010) I felt the need to find another job for so many reasons. I found one though but it took me months to get it. This time it’s great. I love the people I work with and the nature of the job. This is something I should be thankful for. Also this year Yellowpop was born, it’s a small business which I started out of boredom. It’s kind of inactive now since most of my time is consumed by work and relationships. But I’m still going to continue creating accessories next year only this time, I might not use the internet. It’s just so stressful and time consuming but who knows I might need it again. With a job and super tiny extra source of income I still feel that it’s not enough. I have savings but I know I can still do better. So hopefully this coming year will be prosperous.

I am also thankful for the good friends I still have and for the new friendship I have established with wonderful people I met this year. Whom I know will still be my friends for the years to come  I want to say sorry to friends I have neglected this year because I am so busy with my own life. I will try to find time to hang out often with you guys this coming year. I will try to destroy my “kill joy” mode! Lol.

Among everything else I am most thankful for my family. Everybody seems happy and healthy. Plus all of us are in the same country now. My eldest sister left for UAE around November of 2009 so she’s not with us most days of 2010. Now she’s back and I really like that. I hope good things with my family will continue this coming year. I always pray for a better life for each of us

As for my 2011, I pray that it will be better than last year. I hope Jed will be able to come home. I know he’s just coming home for a short vacation but that is more than enough for me. May God continue to give me strength to endure our separation and hold on to our promises. I know He has better plan for us. I also know that I experienced the things I experienced whether good or bad because He allowed me to. To prepare me for the future He planned for me. I pray that He will continue to encourage me to trust Him because I’m aware that I can be stubborn at times. Lol. Above all I hope He will help me to become a better person. To be useful to others especially to those people who really need assistance and affection. I’m bracing myself now! I am ready for you 2011. May you guys have a great 2011! Happy New Year!!!

(no subject)








Today was spent with my LCC family. I joined LCC (Parish based organization that assists the less privilege students) in 2004. I was a Project Directress then, but it only lasted for a year because the foundation that used to support us financially pulled out their support to all organizations connected to them in the Philippines. With that, most of us were forced to leave. Only one person remains from the original staff.  Anyway, even though we only worked with each other for a year we have established a wonderful friendship. We used to be five girls and a boy. But the latter is not really close to us anymore. With our busy schedule we don’t get to see each other much. We just bumped into each other once in a while because we belong to the same Parish or during special occasions like birthdays, wedding of a common friend or baptismal. But even though we don’t get to hang out often we still try to connect to one another using social networking sites and text messaging. The main event for the five (girls) of us is our yearly reunion which usually transpires after Christmas. For this year, it’s today.

I am really glad we get to do this every year for five years now. Two of our friends are married now and they already have babies. But when we get together some things never changed. Like the way we connect to one another, our affection to each another, the things that could make us laugh and the favorite subjects of our gossip lol! I am so glad I was able to get to know them six years ago because then I found people that I can call my friends for a life time.  

Dec. 29th, 2010

50th month

Written Dec. 28, 2010

Published today: Dec. 29, 2010

 

I went to visit Jed’s family to give them my Christmas presents. I was really excited before going there because I know I’ll be able to see those cute little boys of his brother. I was not disappointed because those boys made me happy, they are really adorable. Also his mom really likes my gift and so as the others but his mom was the one constantly telling me how nice my gift was. I’m so glad she liked it.

Whenever I visit his family I always go home feeling happy. They like me.. Whew.. I get to hug his mom and it felt good. After I hugged her she told me I smell good. Hehe..I really love the part when I can talk about him without feeling “I’m talking too much about my guy”. For one thing I know they will never get tired of listening. They are thirsty for information and are glad that I have something to share about Jed.  

Being with Jed’s family makes me miss him even more. Especially when it’s time to leave because I know it would be wonderful if he’s with me whenever I visit his family. I know time will come that I don’t have to visit them alone. It’s just a matter of time. I just need to be patient. Thank God his family is wonderful that I can spend time with them even without Jed. I am really happy.. By the way, today is our 50th month together.. What do we call that these days? Ahhh.. Golden Monthsary! lol!

Jul. 2nd, 2010

♫ ♪Sad Song♪♫

Written 06/18/10

I  always have song/songs for every significant moment of my life. It was like, the song is written for me. Most describe what I am going through (my emotions) others interpret my desires, my hopes, my needs or my wants at that time. Yet, when I found one it never failed to amaze me. Mostly I didn't look them up they just presented itself one way or another.

Three months ago when Jed left for Dubai, I was looking for a radio station in the internet and there's this station that every time I tune in I heard the same song. I don't know if it’s some kind of a glitch or what. I recognized the artist and its one of my favorite and so I listened to the song. When I listen to a song I really listen to it, I try to understand the lyrics. The song is new to me and I don't know the title. It’s not the kind of song which you can hear the title on its lyrics over and over again. I really want to know the title so I can download it and listen to it without going to that glitch station.  Lucky I know the artist and look it up on YouTube. Viola! I got my song in just a minute. The song is Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. A song which I know everyone who’s in a long distance relationship can relate to. The song mesmerized me the first time I heard it. It described exactly how I feel during that time up until today, although I don't listen to it often these days. You see, I am so sad when I discovered it and I played it over and over again during that time. I am ok now but when I tried to listen to it sadness creeps over me again. It was like all the sadness I felt the day he left was in my heart again. So I stopped. Especially when I get to the part that says..  "♫When violet eyes get brighter and heavy wings grew lighter I'll face the sky and feel alive again♫". No I am not on that part yet. I still have dark shadows under my eyes. Still feel the heavy wings and I definitely don't feel alive.  I wonder if I'll ever get there. I am ok most of the days I guess better than a couple of months ago however, I still feel incomplete.. Oh well, I just need to deal with it. I don’t have much choice. Do I?

here's the lyrics of my sad song

 

♫Vanilla Twilight lyrics

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here



Jul. 1st, 2010

Miserable

Written 06/08/10
My hardest day so far.. But I don't feel most of it now.I just want to put it here so I can remember not to be this way again. lol.. as if i can control that.

Definitely a hard day!!! I can't stand it anymore. No matter how I try to suppress it, no matter how hard I try to make everything easier it always get to the point that I will breakdown. My defenses will weaken and the sadness will overpower me. I want to scream. I want to throw things!! Why does it have to be this difficult? Why us? Why me? I don't want this! I never asked for this....I feel so terrible and this is just the beginning!!! I so want to give up.  I feel like I am going to lose it anyway!! But I'm afraid that this is just one of my mood swings. That maybe it’s just my stupid hormones. Oh I so hate moments like this. I am ok in the past few weeks and suddenly I'm like this.

I don't want to regret anything that's why I stopped chatting with jed earlier. I don't want to lose it with him. I want to spare him of my misery, although I kind of showed some of it earlier. I am getting worse each time so before I blow it I ended the conversation.

This is torture. I love him and I don't want to hurt him. But I am beginning to doubt this. I can even sense changes in him. He's getting impatient with me something I've never seen in him before. Oh well, I guess our situation can really make us edgy at times!!

This is no doubt the hardest day so far!!

(no subject)

Written 06/07/10

This day ended so abruptly I still want to get busy with leisure. But just like any day, this one has to end and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Just like the feeling of loneliness that I wish I could block! I feel so lonely and alone. I wonder if I really need to change the way I cope. Should I follow egielyn's (one of my best friends) advice to go out and have fun? But I know deep down that's not what I want. If I go out I will definitely forget that I am sad but at the end of the day it will still be the same. Same as staying home. I know doing the things I want most like playing yoville (damn I’m so addicted to this game), reading, listening to audio books, watch western tv series or movies makes me preoccupied until it’s time to get ready for sleep. Just like now.

I decided to stick to what I used to. I don't mind going out if I had a chance. I just don't want to make it a constant thing. I hope things will improve in the coming weeks/months
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