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Written 06/08/10
My hardest day so far.. But I don't feel most of it now.I just want to put it here so I can remember not to be this way again. lol.. as if i can control that.

Definitely a hard day!!! I can't stand it anymore. No matter how I try to suppress it, no matter how hard I try to make everything easier it always get to the point that I will breakdown. My defenses will weaken and the sadness will overpower me. I want to scream. I want to throw things!! Why does it have to be this difficult? Why us? Why me? I don't want this! I never asked for this....I feel so terrible and this is just the beginning!!! I so want to give up.  I feel like I am going to lose it anyway!! But I'm afraid that this is just one of my mood swings. That maybe it’s just my stupid hormones. Oh I so hate moments like this. I am ok in the past few weeks and suddenly I'm like this.

I don't want to regret anything that's why I stopped chatting with jed earlier. I don't want to lose it with him. I want to spare him of my misery, although I kind of showed some of it earlier. I am getting worse each time so before I blow it I ended the conversation.

This is torture. I love him and I don't want to hurt him. But I am beginning to doubt this. I can even sense changes in him. He's getting impatient with me something I've never seen in him before. Oh well, I guess our situation can really make us edgy at times!!

This is no doubt the hardest day so far!!



haha.. i agree.. but i am feeling better now..

January 2011

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