This is from my private journal (My blackberry phone). I don't have energy to hand written everything on my actual journal (notebook) but i realized phone might be stolen or lost and i don't want to lose my thoughts. So i decided to transfer some of my entries here. Entries that i'm comfortable sharing. So anyway here's an entry written i guess around a couple of months ago. I forgot to write the date of this one.
Better and Hard
I don't know what to think right now; I so want to ignore the feeling of loneliness overflowing me. I don't want to feel the longing to see him. I want to prevent the tears threatening down my face. Although I know my emotion will overcome me anyway and so I decided to let it be.
I can't help but miss the most important person in my life, my missing piece, my happiness, my source of strength, my hero, my love, my life. How I wish there is something I could trade so I could have him here instead because if there is something I'll surely offer.
I know our future depends on this parting moment but this future will only be useful if we end up together? If not? Where will I be then? Who will I be with?
To tell the truth, I can't see my future without him. For now he is my present and my future. But I am weak and easily frightened. I fear the possibility that we might grow apart, I fear that I might give him up just because I can't stand this loneliness, I fear that he might find someone better than me, I fear that all the sleepless nights, all the tears, all the struggles, all the loneliness and all the sacrifices will be for nothing just because we did not survive this relationship!
There is what I call "better day". Days when I can bear everything, days that I can be optimistic, days that I can picture myself waiting until he's beside me again. But there are many "hard days" too. Days when all the fears jammed in my head that will result to extreme loneliness, tears in my eyes, sleepless nights and anger, uncontrollable anger towards him for choosing this situation for us. Days like today minus the anger. "Hard days" varies, different emotions as it strike, combination of two or three, always with loneliness. Sometimes I feel every hard day can offer and I call that "disaster"!!!
I so want to write everything if I am feeling the "hard day" hoping to ease the pain. This is how I deal with depression and it worked numerous times. My mind is sharper and I can write better, better than" better day". Although lately due to fatigue I tend to let the writing pass and just sort everything in my head but not tonight. Tonight, I decided to let it out! To write something to let part of it out!!
I miss the man who completed my life! No matter how often we use the privilege of cyber web and telecommunications it will never be enough. Not enough without the kisses, the hugs, the cuddles and so many things that we can do together. I know I will not smile or laugh genuinely again unless he's with me assuring me that we will never be apart again for a lifetime.
I am not sure if I am strong enough to fight this battle. I don't want to make promises but I will try! I know fate does not favor our heart's desire all the time. But I know fate created or dictated by my Creator is the fate I should accept. That's why I accepted this! I am bit reluctant at first, I won't lie, but I trust Him. I have to! Whatever fate He desires for me and my love only He knows. One thing I am sure though, whatever it is we will be both thankful eventually.