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Jul. 1st, 2010

Smiles and Laughs

Written 06/02/10

I am on my first official leave since I started working here. I asked for a couple of days. I spent the first day by cleaning my room, playing yoville and of course chat with jed. I carefully chose the days of my vls to match his days off so we can spend time together.

Today is a better day. Sigh. I smiled and laugh a lot while talking to jed. We used skype today so we were able to talk to each other. We've talked about the usual stuff, work, family and plans for the future. We had our sweet moments too. It was superb. I hope we could get more days like this!! I still miss him so bad but I feel light. Maybe because I almost spent the whole day with him.

It is so easy to be me around him. That's what I like best about jed that I can be myself without the fear of being rejected. He never criticizes me offensively. Not in my face at least but I doubt if he ever does. Only God knows.  Well if he want me informed about my unpleasant behavior he tried to say it as nicely as he could master. I really like that about him. Thinking about that made me miss him even more. As always I will end the night thinking about him. I'm sure he will do the same. Well that's it for today!! Time to hit the sheets. Adios

restless

Written 06/05/10

Again today is neither better nor hard, although I’d like to call it “restless”. I slept late last night, woke up later than usual and that's because my blackberry failed to alarm. Grr.. I woke up 20 minutes before the time I should leave home for work. Fortunately, I managed to fix myself in no time and I wasn't late.

At work time dragged. I am guarding the clock checking it from time to time only to realize that it only moved a little from the last time I glanced at it. Urgh.. But you know how it works when you’re so agitated for the hours at work to be over. Aside from that I felt so sleepy the whole day. In the afternoon I decided to buy iced cafe mocha in Starbucks hoping that it will rid me of my sleepy head. It worked but only for an hour or 2. Then I felt restless again. I was relieved when the clock hit 5pm.

When I arrived home, my daily ritual of playing yoville was set in motion and before I knew it its dinner time. After that, I sat with the rest of the family in the living room for our nightly bonding. Ishvel and Deign (niece and nephew) will stay here for the weekend and I feel great.

Missing Jed is crazier than ever but I don't want to dwell on it much. I want to take control! Oh but I really do miss him especially on seasons like this. We both love the rain.. May God continue to give me strength to go forward unscattered.

Just a day

Written 06/04/10

Today is neither better nor hard day, but definitely not disaster. Just a day I think. I went to work today it felt good because time flies when I'm at work. I should remember that work help me to take a little notice of days passing by without jed with me.


So anyway, I am thinking that probably another reason why I don't feel so gloomy today is because summer is officially over!! It rained a lot. You know how happy I could get if it rains. It may get tricky on my choices of clothes and foot ware nonetheless, I can't help but be in high spirit when it rains..rain rain I love it. Of course I don't want Ondoy (a typhoon that destroyed lives, properties and livelihoods of Filipinos) part two definitely not that kind of rain. I admit I love how it rained during Ondoy but regretted liking it after. So I really hope that there will be no disaster of that kind this year or any kind actually.

Finally my day ended unexpectedly. Rosa brought me something nice from Visayan Region where she came from. She brought me binagol a delicacy in Visayas. A sort of rice cake flavored casava on coconut shell. I remember tasting it first time when I visited Tacloban many years before. I brought some home and after that I haven't eaten binagol until tonight. Yes! As soon as I got hold of it I decided to eat some. It was so delicious, really my kind of rice cake. Hmmm...well that's it for today!!

I miss jed so much.. He's one craving i can never satisfy at least for the next couple of years. I love him so dearly!!

 

Jun. 30th, 2010

Combination

Written June 01, 2010

Today is a combination of better and hard day, at daytime it’s better day, only because I am yet again preoccupied. I woke up with a thought of asking permission to file a vacation leave for two consecutive days, tomorrow and today. I got the approval in the afternoon. I went to work, for a brief meeting. After which I went straight to the mall to buy some stuff mostly toiletries then as I about to go home I spotted a cute hooded pink blouse, I checked on the price, very cheap so I bought it. It’s not my brand but it’s really nice and very timely for the coming season, the rainy days. I am a bit hungry so  I decided to buy my favorite burger, Burger King's whopper junior.  When everything was covered I decided to go home. I am early, so I started my daily ritual of playing yoville. Seven o' clock strikes and that's my cue for dinner. When I get back to my room I started playing again while listening to the last chapter of the last Harry Potter installment. Before I knew it it’s time to sleep and I suddenly realized that it is becoming a hard day.


I was looking forward to abuse the World Wide Web with Jed but he wasn't there. Apparently he was out with friends to see a movie.  I am not complaining! The man needed a break he deserves it! Although I feel sad that I won't be able to talk to him tonight especially now that I really misses him.

I wonder if there was a day that I don't feel I miss him. But I should be given credit for not whining so much!! I guess I am getting better in blocking the unwanted feelings. When I am about to feel miserable I tried to block it. I don't know if it’s a good or a bad thing. All know is that it helped me not to feel too lonely. But still tonight feels like a bad day. I am well aware of the sadness and longing creeping over me, for some strange reason I cannot block it. Oh well I have no choice but to deal with it! 

Better and Hard

This is from my private journal (My blackberry phone). I don't have energy to hand written everything on my actual journal (notebook) but i realized phone might be stolen or lost and i don't want to lose my thoughts. So i decided to transfer some of my entries here. Entries that i'm comfortable sharing.  So anyway here's an entry written i guess around a couple of months ago. I forgot to write the date of this one. 

Better and Hard


I don't know what to think right now; I so want to ignore the feeling of loneliness overflowing me. I don't want to feel the longing to see him. I want to prevent the tears threatening down my face. Although I know my emotion will overcome me anyway and so I decided to let it be.

I can't help but miss the most important person in my life, my missing piece, my happiness, my source of strength, my hero, my love, my life. How I wish there is something I could trade so I could have him here instead because if there is something I'll surely offer.

I know our future depends on this parting moment but this future will only be useful if we end up together? If not? Where will I be then? Who will I be with?

To tell the truth, I can't see my future without him. For now he is my present and my future. But I am weak and easily frightened. I fear the possibility that we might grow apart, I fear that I might give him up just because I can't stand this loneliness, I fear that he might find someone better than me, I fear that all the sleepless nights, all the tears, all the struggles, all the loneliness and all the sacrifices will be for nothing just because we did not survive this relationship!

There is what I call "better day". Days when I can bear everything, days that I can be optimistic, days that I can picture myself waiting until he's beside me again. But there are many "hard days" too. Days when all the fears jammed in my head that will result to extreme loneliness, tears in my eyes, sleepless nights and anger, uncontrollable anger towards him for choosing this situation for us.  Days like today minus the anger. "Hard days" varies, different emotions as it strike, combination of two or three, always with loneliness. Sometimes I feel every hard day can offer and I call that "disaster"!!!

I so want to write everything if I am feeling the "hard day" hoping to ease the pain. This is how I deal with depression and it worked numerous times. My mind is sharper and I can write better, better than" better day".  Although lately due to fatigue I tend to let the writing pass and just sort everything in my head but not tonight. Tonight, I decided to let it out! To write something to let part of it out!!

I miss the man who completed my life! No matter how often we use the privilege of cyber web and telecommunications it will never be enough. Not enough without the kisses, the hugs, the cuddles and so many things that we can do together. I know I will not smile or laugh genuinely again unless he's with me assuring me that we will never be apart again for a lifetime.

I am not sure if I am strong enough to fight this battle. I don't want to make promises but I will try! I know fate does not favor our heart's desire all the time. But I know fate created or dictated by my Creator is the fate I should accept. That's why I accepted this! I am bit reluctant at first, I won't lie, but I trust Him. I have to! Whatever fate He desires for me and my love only He knows. One thing I am sure though, whatever it is we will be both thankful eventually.

May. 17th, 2009

just a thought

Submit everything to God and you’ll be amazed by the way he manages your life. I may not have everything I want now, but I’m really happy with what I’ve got. It’s taking time to get one thing missing, but I know it’s worth the wait. God, be the captain of my ship because with you I know I’ll be safe.

Mar. 17th, 2009

(no subject)

Hello there, last week my friends and I hit Puerto Galera..It was really fun.. We left home around 3am and arrived at Puerto around 9am. For those of you who doesn’t know, which I know most of you. Puerto Galera is considered one of the most beautiful and developed beach resort community in the Philippines. It offers wide variety of activities from swimming, to diving, snorkeling and of course beach side night life. Plus it is really accessible from Metro Manila where I live.. So anyway, like I said it was really fun, we spent 3 memorable days there. We did the usual stuff, snorkeling, island hopping, swimming, (we skip banana boat ride..most of us were scared) and of course walk to beach side during the night and hit one of the bars…We all got drunk on our first night, joke around and laugh so much..It was really refreshing! Being away from your responsibilities for a while was great.. I feel young again! I got a little tan..hehe..Got an allergy as well, but I’m okay now! It’s still a bit itchy but my mom gave me something that I can use to lessen it…

Mar. 11th, 2009

back

It’s been a while since I wrote anything here. I’ve been lazy..haha. First of I quit my job..Remember I already mentioned in my previous entry that I am considering changing my profession. Well it happened..I’m still looking for the job that I really want because I don’t want to get just any job I don’t want to end up tired and ready to quit again. Some says it is a bad habit..I agree, but what can I do? Not liking your job is like not liking your life at all. You spend almost the whole day everyday in the office, so if you don’t like it, it feels like a waste of time. I still have time to change and I’m going to do it now. Wish me luck! Pray for me if you can!..

mjc

Jan. 7th, 2009

just visiting

hello.. how's everyone? I've been busy during the holidays. Imagine going to work when everybody else's enjoying the holidays..so okay I was forced to celebrate and go to work the next daY!I feel so exhausted! I spend Christmas at work, unfortunately, I need to trade my schedule so I can get after Christmas off because my family and I went to Baguio after Christmas...So I was like eating alone during midnight!too bad..but I enjoyed our vacation! yippee...I rarely go online now! Apparently, I was able to install my sims 2 in my computer again! So I spend most of my time in my room now..They said I am getting pale..who cares I love my sims and I really enjoyed playing it!

I hope you guys had a great Holidays!Happy New Year...or am I bit too late? lolz!

Nov. 11th, 2008

Writer's Block: Ten for the Tenth

Some people spend their whole lives preparing the answer to this question: What albums are on your personal all-time Top 10 list?

1. metallica -black
2.black sabbath-paranoid
3.Greenday-Dookie
4.alanis morissette -Jagged Little Pill Original and Acoustic
5.godsmack-Godsmack
6.disturb-The Sickness
7.stained Break the Cycle
8.cranberries -No Need to Argue
9.wolfgang -wolfgang - (local band from the philippines they are no longer active in the music scene, I heard they have a career in the US now!..I miss them)
10.I still don't have my 10th album yet..

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