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Written 06/08/10
My hardest day so far.. But I don't feel most of it now.I just want to put it here so I can remember not to be this way again. lol.. as if i can control that.

Definitely a hard day!!! I can't stand it anymore. No matter how I try to suppress it, no matter how hard I try to make everything easier it always get to the point that I will breakdown. My defenses will weaken and the sadness will overpower me. I want to scream. I want to throw things!! Why does it have to be this difficult? Why us? Why me? I don't want this! I never asked for this....I feel so terrible and this is just the beginning!!! I so want to give up.  I feel like I am going to lose it anyway!! But I'm afraid that this is just one of my mood swings. That maybe it’s just my stupid hormones. Oh I so hate moments like this. I am ok in the past few weeks and suddenly I'm like this.

I don't want to regret anything that's why I stopped chatting with jed earlier. I don't want to lose it with him. I want to spare him of my misery, although I kind of showed some of it earlier. I am getting worse each time so before I blow it I ended the conversation.

This is torture. I love him and I don't want to hurt him. But I am beginning to doubt this. I can even sense changes in him. He's getting impatient with me something I've never seen in him before. Oh well, I guess our situation can really make us edgy at times!!

This is no doubt the hardest day so far!!




life sucks sometimes.. but keep the faith and everything's going to be alright :)

January 2011

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